I wanted to bring a little levity into our times together. A few years ago I was up in Syracuse at the other place we have. Mom n my sister live there. Anyway sitting in the living room bored. I had a friend I called Duckie. She would give these ducks to me. So I decided to creat a I hope humorous but at least entertaining. I’ve had poetry published. I’ve written lots of skits we used as part of our services. So this is like a skit. It takes place over 48 hours. I can’t give you much more with out giving the story away. It’s bout ducks my house n me. I hope you all enjoy the read. It has bout 18 I call chapters. But they are less than a page. Oh n it has PICTURES. BLESSINGS ONE LOVE PD
DUCK TAKES
CHAPTER ONE
DUCK TALES
CHAPTER TWO
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #4.
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES
This a story about DUCKS that were found in fridge I found the in an egg carton Their story they hatched. I found that to be their cover story. That’s where our story starts. These. 4 DUCKS playing their little DUCK Games.
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #8
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES 13
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #14
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #15
So totally spent I drag myself up to the attic. NO IM NOT JUMPING OFF (Although I have to admit the thought did cross my mind) IVE ONE LAST THING TO DO IF THIS MOVE DOENT WORK. Ok I had a momentary laps of reason (someone should make a song with that title) GOT CONFUSED FOR MOMENT but I’m better know. (Ya like thats almost believable ) I open the door real slowly for idk if the DUCK DEMOLITION SQUAD HAD RIGGED THE DOOR. As I open the door I slowly look in hoping the whole DUCKBILL GANG N ASSOCIATION, READ THE WARNING BOUT ENTERING AT YOUR OWN RISK.
BUT…..
APPARENTLY THESE GUYS CANT READ .DONT CARE OR ARE ADRENALINE JUNKIES. THESE 4 I believe are the first half of the CANDY BAR CREW THAT STOLE MY RPBC. NOW THEY ARE SITTING IN MY WIFES PRIVATE ROOM ,I JUST KNOW THIS HAS DISASTER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. BUT IM BEING A PASTOR WASNT GOING RETALIATE. Instead I had to think this situation out. As I saw it I needed to keep my emotions in check as I worked it out in y mind. Deductively I broke it down to three plans. A.B.C. ( MAN THAT SOUNDED INTELLIGENT)
Ok so here’s PLAN A: Pounce on the little critters. Sounds like fun but equally as dangerous. PLAN B: Let my emotions get the better of me. Kinda looks like PLAN A. Of course that’s not a real plan and we all know that’s not going to turn out well for me.
Then there’s PLAN C: Think about what I’m going to do and say. PLAN C was a No Brainer. Which works good for me. As we all know the about the rumored limited amount of decision capacity I have. So I take a deep breath walk right past them and head up to THE HIDDEN BEDROOM in the back. In just a few seconds I will be in the back room completely isolated from the outside world. I believe there’s a refrigerator back here knowing my wife is fully stocked. There’s a nice bed there’s a tv and a sweet stereo system.
So I could hold out here for days. Then seeing that I am in the attic I could order pizza by one of those drone things. How cool would it be to have Pizza Hut deliver your pizza by drone right at your window.
OK so once again I got lost in my thoughts. (But tell me you didn’t in vision doing that. ) Now on my behalf you all have to remember I only have three brain cells left over from the 75/85 decade .They are constantly fighting for rest mode. None of them want to work anymore, not that they did very good when I was younger. So one of them is always resting Turns out to be the same one brain cell always doing the resting. Maybe one of the other 2 Brain Cells should check to see if Mr Lazy Pants hasn’t Flat Lined. Best case scenario it fell asleep and not in a continuous comatose state Worse case senecio the dang cell is on strike. The second one is looking for a way to escape . It’s a little bit hard because there’s so much space up there in my big head for that little cell to find a way out. However it is very determined to do so. I think that is the ping I hear when it runs full speed into the side of my skull. Wow it just hit me maybe Cell 2 is actually trying to off itself.
Leaving me with one last cell. Which seems to be stuck doing everything, and of course that causes a lot of tension . The end result is the working cell is doing everything possible to keep things moving ,is only technically running at 50% . Think bout that for a minute. OK fast forward I go to the back room where my wife’s CRAFT ROOM/secondary bedroom. As I open the door I’m feeling a bit of anxiety well actually it’s a whole lot of stress. I really want to believe on the other side of the door is my salvation my deliverance my escape from this no 30 hour old ordeal.
Once again my eyes are drawn to the sign that she left on the door saying “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” in small print I see *IF YOU WALK IN BE PREPARED TO BE CARRIED OUT! * Not sure what that meant but it sounded kind of threatening to me. So my hope is when I get to this room that it will be empty. Yeah like what are the chances of that happening. Anyway I open the door very slowly because I have heard that there is a fraction of the DUCKBILL GANG CALLED *THE DUCK DEMOLITION SQUAD. *had been called in to do their part to OFF ME. Knowing that they could be around I very apprehensively open the door. Yet I had no idea whether or not they had it rigged. As I open the door and go round the corner WHAT DO I SEE, well these guys You remember them. They are the CANDYBAR CREW You know the ones that stole my RPBC. Apparently this is where they disappear to and ate my candy bar. I know as they left the wrapper in the middle of the room. I can only imagine how sideways my life would have been if my wife found the wrappers. ANYWAY The first thing that pops into my head PLAN A: POUNCE ON THEM. If I remember I tried something like that. One Word Blackout.
However I’m quite puzzled I don’t know what to make out of this huddled up thing. You ask what’s their plan.? Well DARNED IF I KNOW But I’m relatively sure it has to do with me and it won’t be good. Now I being a pastor decided I am not going to confront this group but rather keep moving forward. At the moment it seems that these are the only 4 DUCKS here n there n her sewing/CRAFT Room. Man what I would do to be a fly on the wall if my wife walks in the door and saw these 4 guys here. I’m thinking that I would have one of those Thanksgiving wild game meals. Main course DUMPLING OF DUCK.
That being said I don’t expect her to walk through the door anytime soon. As a matter of fact I’m going to kind of reiterate something that I had said before. There is a really good chance that my wife has set this whole thing up in order to Terrorize me. Part of her plan would be for me to tell her what was going on. However of course because she is planning this thing out by the time she gets here and I tell her the story all these DUCKS will have flown south for the winter. Guess who will be left behind and most assuredly will get blamed for the whole debacle. Yep you guessed it. ME. ALL I can do is to let it play out However believe me if I found out my wife has anything to do with this, WELL I’m going to… do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Why are you asked. If you have to ask that question then you don’t know my wife. Remember she’s from Jamaica. They’re very good with machetes. I’ve seen her take a coconut and carve it up with in five seconds. I can only imagine what she can do with that machete on poor little me.
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #17
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #18
As I get closer I hear something but there’s no way there’s anyone here. So I kick off my one sneaker and put my back to the bed and start to sit down i HONESTLY just touched the bed when I hear SO YOUR GONNA MAKE TELL YOU AREN’T YOU. (I WILL REMEMBER THIS) OH HECK YOU KNOW I AINT GONNA DO NOTHING. Ok I hear what sounded like a small GAGGLE (umm is that a GIGGLE) OF DUCKS. I haven’t moved that fast since I last lived in this room. WELL THERE WAS THAT LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING THAT A WELL SHE PUT AN END TO IT WITH THE MACHETE. I have just a little hitch in my step. Oh heck in my shuffle. I don’t want to fall n break my hip. I DID IT AGAIN DIDN’T I. SOOOO I run over to the switch on the wall to turn on the light. I look up I blink that did not work I rubbed my eyes. Only to realize there’s no place private anymore anywhere. Well at least here. It’s not that bad. I’m sure when they lifted my account information off the laptop. Ohhh I didn’t mention that. MAYBE CUS I AM JUST THIS SIDE OF CRAZY ok CRAZIEST EVER that this house won’t be mine and I’ll be served evacuation papers Monday. Well jail is better then dealing with a wife who’s coming home with the last few thing to complete HER DREAM HOME and walks into the local motorcycle frat house. OK Back to the present. I literally had to walk rite up to look them eye to eye. Well actually it was my eyes to their one eye. JUST IN CASE I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP N AGAINST ALL HOPE N SERIOUSLY DIMINISHED LOGIC. YA I pinched myself to see if I was a sleep. This was all a dream.LoL YA RITE THEY DON’ T CALL ME MR LUCKY for no reason. Ok It Wasn’t a Freddy on Elm St sleep Heck Freddy got nothing on my past 38 hours. I give them the once over when they give me the OLD MOTHER DUCK STORY I’ll cut to the chance. THE FOUR SISTERS SANDY MANDY BRANDY CANDY N HER BABY RUTH So it seems that the NOW INFAMOUS THE HOT WHEEL CLAN stole my van and picked up their wives and told them of THE OPEN BOARDER POLICY N SANCTUARY HOME STATUS enjoyed by all that could make it here. SO here’s where it gets all sad. BRANDY says they came back with their husbands ANDY RANDY MANNY SAMMY. They found the window in the back of my bedroom. [MAN It’s been a minute LIKE I TOTALLY FORGOT that was my escape route.] I WISH I’D REMEMBERED THIS WINDOW 38 hours ago. All rite so they have been left here for 12 hours now. They think their husbands may not be coming back. They are so tired and was hoping to stay for a few months but if I wanted to toss them out. They would go without any trouble. That’s when BABY RUTH gave out a wheezing quack. Sounded more like a cluck. Idk if I’m being sold a bringe. You know like the one in Alaska. Ya the one from main land to an island no one is allowed on. Ya that bridge. They got out from under the blankets OK SO I was at a WEAK MOMENT remember I ain’t slept in 40 hours now. Anyway I tell them they can stay for the night and we can figure it out later. Then BABY RUTH let’s out the strongest QUACK ever. SMH in total absolutely positively in total rejection I walk out the door. I told them chuch service JESUS SAVES Will be in 4 hours. I closed the door and walked back upstairs to the kitchen. It was all quite now. Theres nothing left here but a chair and a old fashioned pillow stool. That’s where I found a few hours to rest. Well I’m going to put my plan in motion in just a few. So I sit in the chair with my Bible. I fell asleep. You may not believe what I wake up to…
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #19.
So I’m sitting in my lounge chair. Which bother the way the lever is broken off meaning I can’t recline the chair. Oh how that happen. Well to hear the rumors. Somehow I lifted the lever up real fast n hard. Well n it broke. The High Times magazine has reported that (remember Danny well his brother TOMMY Ya idk him either. ) apparently was using the lodge chair as a bucking bull. Where is he. Heck he may be in the next stage or the next room. Honestly I think it’s all propaganda to through everyone (me) off my game. That is hilarious my game got lost the moment the Dastardly Ducks showed up at my front door. Just another way to make me look useless. I wouldn’t say that. However do to the latest turn of events. One could make a good case for Worthless. I’m running will helpless. Of which I am. There’s nothing left of my domain or on peaceful existence with nature . So ya I’m helpless. Hence my now longe chair that’s just a chair. At least I got an old fashioned fabric stools. You know the real popular ones in the 60’s I start to fall asleep when I woke up in cold sweats. As I had a bad dream that a SUPER GAGGLE OF TERRORIST Somehow had broke into my home and well let me tell you. It only took a few seconds to realize it wasn’t bad dream but rather FLASH BACKS. I got to tell you it was an extremely restless night. Idk I guess it was like 4:32 am. When I heard a bunch of rustling out in the other room. If that wasn’t enough torment I do BELIVE I heard a few celebratory QUACKS. They did an end around on me. They knew I was going to get up around 7 and wake them up. I intended to bang on pots n pans. Seems they were pawned off So I looked for my fireman speaker. Ya u guessed it. Mia. I’ve got no chance to get the drop on them. I dare not fall asleep even for a few minutes as I have no idea what will become of me. Somehow eventually Mother Nature wins. And you body falls into compliance. It happened so subtle I woke up to these HOUSE INVADERS Honestly idk who they are or what part of the cartel they are from. Likely the worst of the worst. I see them storm trouping my chair. I can’t even focus on them as they were trying to surround me. I’m a bit embarrassed to mention this but I was petrified paralyzed frozen like a popsicle in my seat. This may be it for OUR HERO. Ok so I’m not ur type of Hero. I wonder what my wife will call me. I doubt Hero would be the word she choose H-LL NO would be more like it. I mean the moment I open my mouth she’s gonna give that look. U know the one dad gave u wen u were one breath away from getting beat. If I spoke n tried to explain this. That wen the H-LL NO would kick in. Oh got lost in my thoughts for a minute there. (TICK TOCK TICK TOCK) Ok so maybe it was a little more than a minute. I am back Focus Focus oh ya I’m surrounded my a mob. What will happen next. To Be Continued……
ONE LOVE D
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES #20
So, where were we? Oh yeah back up in the kitchen/living room area in my ones sweet lounge chair thats just a 200 pound paperweight collecting cloths at this time. You know Sammy he’s directly connected to the early demise of my lodge chair. Well, anyway, back to the classic horror story. Yeah, sure it is. We have villains, gangs, hustlers, let’s not forget Freddy and his freeloaders. Right now it looks as if they are free loading with the circus Carneys. They get real upset when you call them Carneys and lastly Ducks in Distress.
Apparently, somehow our hero/OK victim, lost his house and will become homeless tomorrow. Let’s not glaze over the fact that my wife will be coming home soon to redecorate the house. So yeah, this is probably going to gain cult status. A Serious American tragedy!
OK, you guys back? Lost you for a minute, can you keep up. So I’m just this side of flat lining as I must’ve passed out. Hey, did you ever do one of those 10 minute power nap things were you wake up full of energy and sharp as a tack? Well, this is not one of them. As I wake up and the room is completely dark. I reached for the wall switch. Yeah you guessed it. They pulled the old tape the light switch off. I could not even think of a quack umm I mean quick solution. I am more than a bit embarrassed to admit that I am shaken to the core, I told Fred Sanford the big one is coming. I can hear inside the room, flaps on my floor as they try doing an end around me. Luckily, I always have my 28 piece jack knife on me. OK so maybe I left in the bedroom I do have my keychain with my flashlight. Yeah I’ll hit that n get the drop on them. Dang. ##-.@ those #-@ Ducks they jacked the batteries out of my flashlight while I was out. In Duck Gang language. They are expressing to me that if they wanted to off me they could as they were close enough to me to jack my batteries. It’s shear intimidation on their part. Honestly it’s working. But of course I can’t let them know I’m the least bit bothered. Oh umm never mind bout the whole intimidation by battery. I apparently forgot to turn on the switch. So I kick it on. I try to run for the door but can see they are trying to cut me off at the pass. The rest were flapping their little wings. Kinda cute actually BUT it was done to make themselves look bigger then they are. Ya back to that intimate thing they got going on. So I turn and head for the secret window to clime out. Only to find. It’s not a secret window it’s now a nailed close window. SO YOU STILL DO NOT SEE THIS AS A HORROR STORY? Did I mention I was being over run by BIBLICAL CURSE of endless locust except these are DUCKS. So I do one of my high school football running back moves. I do a double spin to through them off. BRIEF BREAK while the room stops spinning. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. Ok now I’m fully awake ALERT (not so sure of) after the rush from that double spin thing I tried. As I regain sensation and become aware of my surroundings. I begin to experience the FEAR FACTOR kicking in. I feel as if I’m in emmet danger even Gloom n Doom is about to be perpetrated ( there’s a real college educated word) on me. As I open my eyes I don’t see any Ducks. A few feathers. But no Ducks. That makes me nervous to say the least.
The coast is clear to the door as I stand up. As I contemplate my next move I hear a voice inside say don’t move freeze. Then another voice that’s real big into self preservation says RUN FOREST RUN!!!!! Then the voice of logic steps in and says Listen To The Voice. Ya that took awhile to work through. I finally get up enough courage to try to make it to the study. There’s an old fashion, Stickley wooden chair and a little stool in there. Did I mention it was from 1760s and in my wife’s side of the family for all this time.
I work up the courage to make a dash to the study. I count all the way up to seven, the number 10 is just too much in a situation like this. I barely get to the study somehow. Well it was only 20 feet away. I got to the wooden chair, thinking how lucky I was to make it here. Then I started thinking that was way too easy. Something has to give. I set in grandpa‘s wooden chair did I mention it was an antique Wooden Stickley Chair However as i sit on it I hear a puzzling sound…..
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES 21
The sound was a crack, followed by a snap. Then complete silence. When I came to say I take a deep breath as I am completely expecting to have a lot of pain from the broken bones. To my surprise, I didn’t have any bones broken a few bruises and a crushed spirit. Seems my fear of the DEMOLITION COALITION were fully warranted. Remember that pay for protection. You know my money hard at work. Apparently it must not have made it to the proper DUCK. See these Special Forces Guys are what I’m paying to my Intimidation donation fund for. Note to self see if you can get a rebate. Ya maybe in another story not here.
Anyway I’ve got bigger issues, I don’t know how long I was out. Worst there’s no DUCKS in sight! Man, this would be a real bad time for the little woman to show up. Did I mention the Stickley chair which was an antique? OH well it gets better The chair has been in her family for over 200 years. At least the dizziness is wearing off. I don’t know why I thought I’d find any place to rest. All I wanted to do was crash just for few hours. Wow bad choices of words. Man I got whole different perspective on crash. Did I mention my hearing is coming back slowly. Well better try and stand up, the last thing I want is for the little woman to find me laying on her families chair. It really doesn’t matter. My days are numbered. It’s not a question of if. It’s more of a simple matter of how merciful she will be. Either way I predict more trouble and pain. Just a few more hours I’m going to break out my best Jesus, Freak and unleash the Holy Spirit on them. So until the sun comes up, I’m going to sit in this beanbag chair, yeah, I got one of them still. So I drag the bean bag behind the ottoman in the living room………
DUCK TALES
DUCK TALES 22.
Seems that little noise was arranged by what I believe there are Special Forces in the Demolition Coalition. Well I landed on the old melon left me without my sight. I Call Dr. Feel Alright. He told me it was probably temporary. He did charge me $1500 just like the other doctor. However, the jokes on him as the DUCK BILL GANG made off with everything that was not nailed down worth taking. Including my prize four wheel Chevy truck. HEY Let’s not glaze over this temporary blindness thing I got going on. Gosh that could last for years. Stress in a bump can do strange things.Ahh Umm forget about worrying about my eyesight. Seems my eyes were closed so actually, I can see. What I see is my demise as I survey the total destruction of my wife’s precious antique family heirloom. The whole past 40 hours plus will be like a tea party in comparison to facing my life or lack there of once my little woman gets home. Oh well least I can see it coming, I hope and maybe I don’t want to see it. What I don’t see those are those Special Forces. You know they can hide in plain sight. Mines a little hazy. But I’m sure they’ve zeroed out. I’m sure that’s stripped down for scrap and the rest of my belongings are pawned off. This whole DUCK BILL GANG is headed up my no other then LITTLE LOUIE and BIG BOB.No not the cartoon. This is a tragic event and you jump to BOB’S BURGERS. REALLY. I’m not gonna complain. Actually I’m keeping a positive attitude. OK it’s more of an optimistic look Who am I kidding I’m just short of losing my mind. Now that I think of it must be when I was out. Last brain cell is now unconscious. Man, I didn’t imagine just how much work out the little guy put in. Do you know the one Cell that’s working, while the other is on strike and we’re not even sure about the third one. What if he never wakes up? Who got time for such deep thought, actually can’t even put two ideas together. His things come into focus, and begin to quickly install fully, OK, so I drag my beanbag the only chair left into the dining room. I think they left this here because it was yellow and reminded them of Little Louis. So I have a little 56 minutes before sunrise. That’s when I will call a come to Jesus moment OK hour. After all it is Sunday morning I get across the living room from the kitchen and hide behind a 20 year old ottoman. Yeah they left that apparently it was too ugly for them to steel I curled up in my beanbag waiting for sunrise. Yes we are going to have a sunrise service. I doubt all the DUCKBILL GANG in associates have all left. THE ASSOCIATES are likely the most dangerous DUCKS of them all. These guys make THE DEMOLITION COALITION look like a garden party. So believe me as tired as I am and even though that’s all I wanted for the past 30 hours. I’m not going to nod off. When the sun comes up I will wake them up or at least get their attention. That said, somehow I passed out. The sun was already up much to my surprise. I guess I got a few more winks then I thought. It was then my winks turned to blinks. As I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Howbeit a bit blurry. So as I open my eyes wide. I see this Mötley Crüe. Honestly, the sun is in my eyes so I was squinting to look around. When I see a DUCK eye looking at me. They are eye level. Like the Doors Song. This is the End. I’m frozen in time awaiting my fate. Well then again idk the status of the little guy up there. Maybe he’s unconscious and may never wake up. That could be the reason I’m feeling inadequate. Like you can be CONFIDENT with one cell doing everything. I look over the top of the ottoman and see idk I can’t count that high at the moment. Actually counting wasn’t my strong suit in school. All the sudden they get like really get riled up. They start flapping their wings and rush to the edge of the ottoman. I fear there bout to pounce on me. Likely to tickle me to death. Oh don’t think that’s a painless way to go. And goodbye, cruel world. Then the ringleader began to quack at me. Yeah I am catching a few DUCK words. What I’m about to hear….