Gen 2:24 …a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ~NIV   

Right at the beginning, in the second chapter of the bible, God lays out the plan for marriage.  Marriage can be one of the most fulfilling things in your life, or a constant source of misery. In this talk I will try and give you tips that I have learned on marriage. There is nothing more satisfying than having a God centered marriage. It is wonderful and fulfilling. But I will be honest, far to many Christians today act like their spouse is property and that God will enforce the marriage “Law” on their spouse. That once the vows are taken the deal is done.

I have news, God loves your spouse to, and the vows are only the beginning.  I know the bible gives many reasons why your spouse should stay with you after marriage, I could list them here, and you can quote these to them, but if you make them happy you will not have to. In the end God will not make them (nor you) stay against their will no more than He would make us love Him against our will. Its free will and you have a part to play. Love is Action, not a feeling. Learn what makes your spouse happy and do that. We will cover this more below.

My experience:  A  friend of mine once said, “There is nothing like having the right one, and there is nothing like having the wrong one”.   I myself, have been on both sides of this.  I got married at 17, for every reason except the right ones, and then we grew up, and apart, and eventually despised each other. It was a miserable, dark time in my life, one that doctors, counselors and anti-depressants could not fix.  I remember someone told me “You will never get another one like that” and I thought “Well, that’s certainly the plan…”  When I finally started contemplating suicide as a way out we divorced.  Can a Christian divorce?  Evidently…   We are just imperfect people serving a perfect God.

Later I met my current wife, fell in love, and we were married. We both knew it from the first time that we met. I was a changed man. My friends quickly fell behind as I would rather be home cooking with her than hanging out with them. I had never felt this way before. I lost interest in everything else but being around her and then I realized that I had never actually been in love before. I was 35 when I discovered this. It was, and still is the greatest satisfaction I had ever known. That was over a decade ago. Soon we both became involved in Church and put the Lord in the center of our lives. I had never known such happiness in my life. I had saw marriage from both sides now and learned a few things along the way that I will try and share with you if you want to read on.

One thing I learned: If the Lord is at the center of the relationship He will mediate between the two of you and this improves things greatly. It makes things smooth, like applying oil to gears.  I have went into my prayer room and while praying realized that my wife’s birthday was coming up and that I should take her on a week end get away, and then when I checked my email there appeared a special on an oceanfront room for $49.  That was the farthest thing from my mind when I started praying.  I found that the Lord will direct you to care for your spouse if you take the time to listen. He wants your marriage to work… It is crazy to not involve Him in it.

Another was this: Sometimes the things that bother us in marriage are our own insecurities and baggage, I have had my share, and they are not the fault of our spouse at all.  When that is the case, no matter what your spouse does, you still will not be happy until you have dealt with your self. Its the opposite effect of rose colored glasses, everything is tinted by our baggage. Ideally our inner happiness should be generated by our relationship with God, and not the people around us.  People can disappoint, but God will never leave you, nor forsake you.  If you find that your emotions are a roller coaster this is a word for you.   (The love dare at the bottom of the page may help you bring these areas into balance.)

Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. To be loved by someone who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline.   Relationships require maintenance. You have to invest time and resources into it.  It is not taking your spouse for granted.  Never “assume” that they will always be there. The “bye” that you say in the morning may be the last time you ever see them. Make it count!  Always remember, your spouse lives with you because they “Want” to.  They are their own living breathing entity and not your property. Your spouse could just as easily choose to live with someone else, and God may be disappointed, but He will still love them. The moment they ask forgiveness He will forgive them, no matter how much we disapprove.  So make them want to continue living with you…  I know the bible gives many reasons that they should stay, and you can quote these to them, but if you make them happy you will not have to.

Some say a marriage is 50 / 50.  It is more like 100 / 100.  It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. After the first couple of years you will probably have to put work into it. One trying alone will eventually run out of energy. God can step in and change your spouse, but you never will, so pray for them. Even then God may not make them into what “you” want them to be, but more of what He wants them to be. So do not marry a fixer upper and then plan to change them. God already has a plan and a path for them that is probably bigger. 

There is life after divorce. When you are going through one you think the world as we know it is ending, and that you have more enemies than friends. But in reality, after a few years it will be old news and things will be better and brighter. The best days of your life can be right in front of you. God still has a hope and future for you, though people may cast you aside, God never will. And with God there is forgiveness for what ever you may have done.  He is always there, always understands, and will always forgive you for what ever you have done in your past, and your spouse…  And you (or them) do not have to earn it.  There is a tendency in us to want to make them “pay”, but God is merciful and He forgives them as well as us. Jesus was the one that paid…  The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. 

Communicating – The 5 Love Languages

Face it, men and women are different in so many ways that it can easily lead to mis-communication.  Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting. That is dangerous because it is like men wear blue head phones and women wear pink ones.  You should really try and listen to your spouse because what your other half hears may be completely different than what you do. It is not wrong, just a different view than yours.  This can be healthy and will broaden your outlook if you understand it. For instance, men often work hands on with tools “fixing” things. So if his wife tells him that she feels over weight he may buy her a diet book to “fix” it.  It makes perfect sense to him… until he gets home with it!  If she had bought him a book that he needed he would have been happy, so he does not understand the silence and sudden coldness entering the room while presenting his thoughtful gift.

When it comes to love, we often speak different languages. There is a great book on this subject if you want to know more, called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  Here is a brief summary of the 5 basic love languages that we speak. You and your spouse will relate strongly to one of these.  If you discover which one makes your spouse happy it will be marriage changing.  In my case, I found that me and my Wife speak the same language: Quality Time.  So we may sit down to dinner and talk for 3 hours. I know that she loves me because “she wants and enjoys spending time with me”.  This is very natural to both of us and we both enjoy it.  Most couples though will not speak the same love language and you will have to learn your spouses language in order to communicate your love effectively with them.

Here are the 5 basic love languages that we speak. These are the things that speak to their heart: “They really love me!” :

1. Words of Affirmation – Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

2. Quality Time – Meet them for lunch. Look into their eyes, giving them your full attention. Go for a walk together and talk. 

3. Receiving Gifts – Gift giving has always been a part of the love-marriage process.

4. Acts of Service – Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

5. Physical Touch – Holding hands, kissing, embracing and intimacy are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse.

Words of Affirmation / Encouragement / kindness: Some people prefer verbal appreciation and encouragement like: “You look sharp in that suit.”   “Do you ever look hot in that dress! Wow!”.  A compliment a day will keep the counselor away.

Quality Time / Conversation / Activities: Spending time together, and talking / listening to them, without distractions. Certainly not while texting.  Try and maintain eye contact and give them your full attention. Refuse to interrupt them, but listen to understand what they are saying.

Receiving Gifts: Gifts are visual symbols of Love. Children bring flowers to mom from the yard to express love, almost instinctively. Give gifts that say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” It is the thought that counts… but when there is no gift it appears there were no thoughts either.  (If they have been critical of your gifts in the past and almost nothing you have given them has been acceptable, then receiving gifts is almost certainly not their primary love language.)

Acts of service: Such actions as washing the car, mowing the lawn, cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, changing the baby’s diaper, dusting the bookcase, paying the bills, … They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

Physical Touch: Holding hands, kissing, embracing and intimacy are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. Sitting close to each other as you watch your favorite television program requires no additional time but may communicate your love loudly. As you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.

The Love Dare

The Love Dare is an intense 40 day marriage check up and first aid kit. No matter how solid your marriage is, you could benefit from this course.  And if your marriage is having trouble this course could very well save it.  It was featured in the movie Fire Proof by Sherwood pictures. It is a 40 day course with a different challenge to complete each day for your spouse.  It starts as simple as “Say nothing negative” but passes through all areas of marriage before it is done.   It is not easy to do, but it gives 40 great teachings for a solid marriage based on the bible.  Regardless of how your spouse reacts, YOU will be a better person in the end and they cannot help but notice the change.